a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At least life still wants to fuck me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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