I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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