Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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