You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
