what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
