Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
