I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
