Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
