I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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