Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
