I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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