my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
