I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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