i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
