Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
