I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
