I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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