Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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