dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
