I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
