I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
