You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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