I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
