The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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