I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
