is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
