I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
