I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
