I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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