Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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