why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
