Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
