i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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