dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Operation Purity has been aborted
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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