We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
