pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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