Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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