I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
