dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can i not drive my cunt home
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
