new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
