My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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