I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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