cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
