Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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