Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
