His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
