She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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