Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
