Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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