shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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