I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
